Men: 10 Tips for men When Your Wife Has Breast Cancer
Breast cancer is a disorder that is affecting more and more people. Peter J. Flierl, M.S.W., provides insight and reasoning to men with breast cancer patients
When we marry the man or woman of our dreams, the soul of our partner, and our best friend, we expect to be together for life even though there is a problem to argue about six out of 10 marriages today that end in divorce. We truly believe that we will be together “rich, poor, in sickness and in health, ‘until death does us part.” And then life comes in: being married, learning to balance needs, happiness, and the wonderful responsibility of being a parent, managing jobs, and managing money.
If the marriage is healthy, you can withstand any storm and survive. If relationships are not on solid ground, trauma, almost any trauma or depression, can lead to their destruction. That may lead to the fact that almost seven out of 10 marriages affected by breast cancer do not survive.
There is no magic bullet, no panacea or formula, to survive and thrive even though in part due to dealing with the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer, and the life that follows together.
God is said to be giving us moral challenges, so you as a man and you both as lovers have a great opportunity to build character, to build a lifelong love story. My 28-year-old fiancée, Shirley, has been surviving breast cancer for 22 years. However, that does not explain him. She is a mother, a businesswoman, a teacher, a lover, a community volunteer, and a life partner. He was treated at the age of 37 for a severe case of Ph.D. 3 with severe lymph node involvement. She is alive and well, still in love with just one breast, and is an encouragement to other women facing the disease, especially young women.
The following are some suggestions for other men on how to be present for their wives, how to help her become a survivor.
01. Tell her you love her.
In a marriage or a close relationship, peace is far from golden. The strongest kind of peace does not require applying for a husband, a lover, a close friend, a chest, and a supporter of a woman with breast cancer. Your bride, your wife, needs and wants to hear from you. Actions can speak louder than words, and you can take all the right actions, but spoken words bring comfort, reassurance, and knowledge of your inner feelings. He can’t read your mind. His presence is more than physical or economic security. Words have meaning. And the three most important words in the English language at this time, this time, when you are together facing his death, are: “I love you.”
The late Louise Crisafi
A saint here on Earth who was always devoted to others in need, taught me this lesson on Friday when my wife, Shirley Ann, underwent a biopsy and was diagnosed with the disease. Shirley had opted for a two-step process of diagnosis and treatment, namely, the removal of her right breast, a mastectomy, on the second day. This means they knew that on Friday he would have a rash on Monday, a weekend together, scared, worried, scared. Shirley was facing her death and the imminent loss of half of her femininity. I was ignorant, lost, depressed, and scared. I didn’t know what to do, what to do, or what to say.
Louise was a volunteer at the American Cancer Society Reach to Recovery dedicated to helping other women cope with breast cancer treatment and treatment. He was a good friend. When I asked her what she had done I felt helpless and frustrated like myself, she simply said: “Tell her you to love her.” I was going to races. I spent that weekend even those three words, powerful energy over and over again, as often as possible, maybe more than I had done in weeks, months, or years.
About a year later on a television talk show featuring three women who had been diagnosed with breast cancer, Shirley reminded me of how I had come to terms with that wonderful weekend. Those words can bring comfort and make a difference. Remember: “I love you.” It works. And I hope I have a mouth and love today as I was in the midst of a tragedy.
Read Also: when is breast cancer awareness month?
02. Say “Yes”
We all know the joke about Moses and the tribes of Israel wandering in the wilderness for 40 years after their miraculous deliverance from Egyptian bondage. It took 40 years to reach the land of milk and honey, the Promised Land. And why, why did it take so long? Moses was a man. He declined to ask for directions. The Ten Commandments, perhaps; asking for help, never.
If you are married or have been in a relationship with a man for any length of time, spend time in a lost car. He suggests, perhaps in fear and peace, that it would be a good idea to stop and ask for directions. He is angry. After all, he is a man. You have good direction, no, great. That will appear to you, just a woman with no sense of direction, for a moment. Times take time. He gets angry and runs out of gas. Finally, in disgust, you walk into a gas station and ask for help. It pains him to do so.
Louise added another lesson when I asked what made me realize that Shirley and I were dealing with her cancer together, cancer that we had little hope of getting rid of. His counsel was powerful and discerning. When someone, or anyone, asks if they can do anything to help, just say “Yes.” Friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and others want to be there for themselves.
I know, I know. You are a man and never ask for help, even with simple directions. Understand that people asking for help need your “Yes” just like you. It gives them the impression that they are capable of doing something good with this delicate disease that seems beyond their control.
Shirley and I were blessed. We don’t have to cook food for 3-4 months following his surgery because of the chicken dishes, casseroles, lasagna, and other ingredients that flow constantly on our front door. We need a little time to take care of the children for our daughter, Alison, we were there. Thank you, Greenwich. Special thanks especially to the First Congregational Church of Old Greenwich. Thanks to special friends, especially Betsy, who taught me that I could meet anything, or this. He is a compassionate society. He is a healing church. You are a true friend. Your love, prayers, and support have made a difference to all three of us in our recovery.
Ask for help. Say “yes” when offered. You will get better with it.
03. Humor is healing
Norman Cousins taught the world this lesson many years ago and is often reminded of this fact by Loretta Laroche and others. We know that the act of laughter itself is healing. It makes us feel better and helps us to get better. It is easy to take ourselves too seriously.
Close friends have seen for themselves the occasional over-the-top, uncontrollable laughter, the real guffaw. Do you feel anything better? You can’t laugh when you feel sorry for yourself. Seeing humor in any situation brings relief and relief. Have you heard of a drunk who got a “run” ticket after passing the wheel of his car? Sad, yes. Being able to laugh at this event by looking back brings understanding and relief.
Our favorite apocryphal joke is about hitting a pig, reporting an accident anonymously, and getting a ticket in the mail for $ 500. And how they found us, he asks, “the pig cried.”
Shirley laid the groundwork for our approach to her treatment of breast cancer, which included jokes and much more. Shirley had met Linda McWhorter, his doctor’s wife, about two weeks before her diagnosis and surgery. On the way to her genital surgery room, lying in a gurney at a local hospital, she looked up and said: “Oh, Phil, you have to charge me a price. I’m too small.” Courage, strength, stamina.
A year later, Shirley told the President and the hospital’s chief executive that she had been charged for her mammogram and that she should receive a 50% discount. After all, with one chest left, they had to take one x-ray, not two. That’s right. He left her speechless. It made sense to me.
And there was his relationship with his oncologist, Dick Hollister, and his unusual staff. You can see that more than 95% of cancer treatments occur in private doctors’ offices, not in hospitals. If you choose to practice oncology, you know from the beginning that at least 50% of your patients will die. Yet Dick and his staff always provide hope, comfort, and, above all, laughter and humor.
Dick chose to become a doctor and treat cancer patients at the age of 13 according to his mother, at the age of 11 according to him. He was the perfect partner for Shirley, who turned her red light (easily given her reddish complexion) while stroking her temporary chest mask during her first visit to her hospital room. He was speechless. He knew he was healthy, despite the bad prediction. Shirley was an interesting and challenging case for a new oncologist during her first few years of operation. Humor was common in his office during our medical year.
Jokes heal the body, mind, and spirit.
Read Also: Eight Ways to Grow Your HAIR Faster
04. I love you, not your breasts
Although our nation’s obesity is growing, we are a society prepared for breasts and body, from Betty Grable pinups in World War II, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield in the 1950s and 1960s to Salma Hayek, Paris Hilton, and Pamela Anderson today. Men talk about being “leg men” or “chest men” with cunning and stupid pride as if big breasts or big legs have nothing to do with being a woman, a lifelong friend, and a close, intimate partner.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love looking at and admiring the beautiful women who went from a beautiful 76-year-old model who took my smoking cessation class in 1982 to the screen stars with the women around me today. However, it is my bride, my sweetheart, and my partner with whom I have my sexual and modern love. Your bride, your sweetheart, your wife need to know who you love who you are, not what kind of body or size her breasts are.
Shirley is as beautiful and beautiful today as she was on our first date, if not more. Our love affair then and today has not been and it is not disturbed to have one breast instead of two. Rather, it strengthens our bonds of friendship. When we make love, he completes me, makes me alive and well. God created the same set that fits well. Your bride needs reassurance when she is attacked by her femininity and her sense of femininity. You need to know what you are saying and what you are doing that these situations are not the end of your sexual life, but a new, sometimes scary, and exciting sex life with great sensitivity and care.
05. Go to her appointments
Go to a bunch of appointments with your wife, your partner, as much as possible, holding her hand literally and figuratively. I had the luxury and blessing of limited independence in my work as CEO of a public health and public health center. I built my professional and community calendar next to Shirley’s treatment schedule. I accompanied Shirley on almost every doctor’s visit, every time a chemical was selected. I felt guilty for sitting in the waiting room, for not going into her room for a real medical examination. Maybe wimp or squeamish, but I was with him mentally, physically, and emotionally. If possible, I would take it from him and sell it to him.
It is not what you do when you go with him for treatment, but rather the actual action that speaks most to him. It also gives you a sense of empowerment. You are more than a helpless spectator cursing a lost disease. Join the battle. You help control cancer with your wife, your family and friends, your treatment team, and the whole support system around you.
There is also a practical side. Hearing cancer diagnosis goes beyond the nerves. Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, maybe Greek or Latin. For both of you there, there are two types of hearing aids. There are two mouths to ask questions. This helps to prevent the tendency to hear what you want to hear. Being with him each time will reassure him, help him to overcome, and make you feel good about yourself. He will love you for it.
06. She is not invalid
Your spouse or partner is not weak. He will not break. Treatment can be stressful and tiring, but you both need to live your life to the fullest extent possible. Continue to enjoy what you enjoy individually and as a couple, especially the latest. One of our best friends and the inspiration of many is running for office when she was chemically treated to fight the recurrence of breast cancer. It’s called the zest of life, right now.
Let your bride do whatever she tries to do. In Shirley’s case during her year of treatment, that included walking to Greenwich Point, skiing, playing golf with me, nailing her flowers, and sometimes agreeing to go on a boat trip with me. You need to take your references to him. He knows what he can do, or how tired he is, whether it’s a good day or not. When he is ready, offer encouragement and support without pushing him. Get out when you’re ready.
As I think, it was important for Shirley and me to have a perfect life as a couple and as a family with Alison. We knew that our time together could be very short and we wanted to live our lives together to the fullest. We did not expect the length of life we were blessed together. Shirley is amazing and so is your wife or partner, no matter what the result.
07. Sex After Breast Cancer
This is another area where a man needs to let his partner lead. He’ll let you know what’s working now and what’s not working, what’s not right, and what’s not. I think I cried about the loss of her chest as she did, and the change in other aspects of lovemaking it a result.
The important thing to learn is that life goes on and sex goes on. In the first few weeks, months, and even years, your sexual health may take on a whole new and more painful aspect at the same time. Think about what it would be like to have a romantic relationship with someone who feels that you have to lose it. You do not want to offend him. Remember, he is not a weakling. You can give him his bear arms in and out of your love affair.
Shirley has found a new gynecologist as she is being treated, Ed Jacobson, a warm man, the kind of doctor he is, and his behavior is comforting and reassuring in nature. He enriched our lives, especially sex, by suggesting that we try jellies and creams to make sex easier and more enjoyable. When your partner is experiencing menopause, whether naturally as old as he or she is or, as in Shirley’s case, the first menopause is brought on at 37 years of age with chemotherapy and hormone therapy, there are challenges to be addressed. These include hot flashes, vaginal dryness, pain during sex, insomnia, decreased libido. Explaining the use of gels and creams to Shirley during a visit to the office, Ed described them as “items used by prostitutes in Stamford.” That sounds like good advice to me and myself. And, of course, it works.
There is sex behind the mastectomy, the beautiful, beautiful, glamorous sex. And, at first, it may be simultaneous and painful. There is nothing that can prepare a man to make love and to have sex and the love of his life that we fear losing. The threat hung over our heads and was part of our thoughts for days, months, and years. Shirley would be embarrassed if I said more about our sex life. It’s close and always fun.
I have talked about this issue with women’s groups and social workers. Most rewarding was being part of a panel in Stamford, Connecticut with a sex therapist speaking in front of me. I listened intently and was pleased to learn that Shirley and I had personally experienced what he described in a vision. She was a therapist explaining the basics of sexuality and the impact of breast surgery and cancer treatment. Shirley and I were alive and enjoying each other’s company, thank you.
08. She is your trophy wife
You need to understand that your bride, your wife, the woman you promised to date, the love of your life, and your best friend are also the answer to your manhood problem during your lifetime. The answer is not a young student wearing a string that is young enough to be your daughter. It is not a small bimbo or a small colleague to start your next marriage or your next family. It’s not a sports car, a speed boat, or a new set of golf teams. She is your wife.
I met this attitude and understanding looking at the marriage of friends Joe and Shirley, “young teenagers in love” after more than 40 years of marriage. Instead of having another setback in life during your mid-teens, be it sexual or emotional, what about flirting with your spouse. Take her on a warm weekend in a popular bed and early in the morning. For us, it would be a time of peace together in Berkshires, preferably to row a boat. Or grab a Broadway show, or a great movie and after-show dessert. Being in love. Stay in love. Be loving.
09. Lemonade from Lemons
When life gives you a lemon, make a lemon. See the silver lining. You are not Pollyanna to find something good, deep, and meaningful in dealing with cancer, dealing with death, and dealing with loss. Can you imagine yourself in the shoes or mind of a person with cancer? Or as a man, lover, and life partner of a woman with breast cancer? Can you deepen in your soul what intimacy, sexual and so on, when all your senses are stretched and elevated by the knowledge that makes love to a woman you can lose?
He finds happiness until he is in pain. You get a deep sense of being one with each other, and yet there is the awareness that it may pass and pass. The truth can come in and break the moment, but you persevere. Many times I have said over the years Shirley’s “our” cancer treatment that a good marriage, or strong relationship, will not only lead to the suffering of breast cancer but the marriage will also be strengthened and improved with it. Go, count.
10. She is not a damaged property
A man who was studying for a prostate cancer support group has expressed concern about being “damaged property” following treatment for prostate cancer. Your bride is not a spoiled brat with or without breasts. She is always the woman you love, the woman you have dedicated your whole life to. Go beyond the unspoken inner thoughts, and wonder if your love affair has changed forever. You, too, can remember her breast, which has brought you both joy in the past. Whether or not the renewal of the breast is a personal choice, his choice. Shirley chose not to do that, in part I believe that to avoid further disruption and “awakening” of any missed cancer cells.
Now is the time to live your life to the fullest. Stick to him. Ambambe. Love him. Amnuke. Taste. Smile with him. He laughed with her. Stay with him. Be angry with him. Yes, you still have “negative” feelings and emotions. You are still human in the darkness and the depths of a deeper love relationship than many around you. You will both survive and prosper if you stay together.
Sharing is Caring
breast cancer in men symptoms,breast cancer in men statistics,what are signs of breast cancer in males,breast cancer on males
